Let’s talk about the thing that no one really wants to talk about… Divorce.

We all know someone who has had a divorce, or maybe even someone who is currently going through one. They say it’s like a death; really it is,  no matter how nonchalantly you as an outsider feel the person took their marriage. It was still something that they entered into fully expecting it to last forever; they promised their lives to someone until death, when they said "I do", they fully meant it. I’m sure there are exceptions to this, but for the most part this is how I see marriage/divorce, marriage was the birth, and divorce is the death.

How do you treat a friend who is getting a divorce? The same way you treated them when they were married (duh).

Recently, Ray (names have been changed) asked me if I had spoken to our mutual friend Jim lately. I told Ray that I hadn’t heard from Jim in a while, and that Jim actually wasn’t returning calls. Ray then suggested I ask Betty (Jim’s soon to be ex-wife) what is up with Jim. This caused me to look at Ray as if he had just suggested I stick my hand in a fresh steaming pile of poo. Really? You want me to ask Betty about Jim’s whereabouts when they are going through something so emotional, and no longer living together? That’s crass? Isn’t it? I mean I know there are no hard set rules to things, but when this happened I felt like there should be some. Are people in general really so immune to others feelings that Ray would think this was at all okay?

So, here are a few I thought up off the top of my head.

11.  Do not ask the divorcees about each other, it’s probably on their mind a lot anyway and you need to let them work their new life structure out alone. Don’t pollute it with questions about the ex.

The exception to this rule is: If they bring the ex up in conversation, then it’s okay to go along with it.

22.   If they are venting about their ex “He/she is a giant flaming butthole.”, you should agree with them, if you can’t agree it’s probably best to just do the head nod. Your friend needs to pass the five stages of grieving (denial and isolation, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance).

33.  Because the fifth stage of grieving is acceptance and many people go on to be good friends after a divorce (especially when children are involved), it’s best to only agree, and not join in on the anger stage. Remember, when they’re done sorting out their feelings you can’t take back calling their ex-lover/new friend a slime infested rat trap.

44. This is the most important rule, just be their friend. They’re going to go through a lot of stages, and maybe even seem like a different person, but if you really love them, if you’re really their friend, you will let them do this and love them all the way through it. 

I’m no expert on divorce, or feelings...

This is in no way meant as a hard set way you should do things. It’s all just my opinion, and how I go about things in my life with my friends. This is my disclaimer, if you follow this and things don’t work out for you that’s not my faultJ

It's not really "a thing", but darn it, it's "my thing"!

This is me not managing my time. Does anyone else have this problem? I see a pile of things in front of me, I know full well they need to be done, and soon. But, then I just stare at them, then nerves set in, and then I feel the time crunch, and I FREAK OUT!

School, kids, housework, life in general. Maybe, I should give up my blog, which let's be honest isn't even really a thing. But, even if it's not really "a thing", it's "MY thing". Being the Mom of two young boys, with a busy husband means not much in life is actually “my thing". I have many things I do, but they're not usually "my things". Don't get me wrong I enjoy them, but I think for sanity as mothers we need to find a thing that is just "our thing", and hold on tight and don't let go. Sometimes "my thing" is the only thing keeping me from crossing over to the dark side (I've been there, they do have cookies, but they're not that good). 

I guess what I'm saying is that I know I as a Mom feel judged constantly, it's our society. I think until we as a community of Moms take a step back and stop being so over critical it's always going to feel like we're being judged by our peers. But, even when you're feeling judged, even if someone out right says maybe you shouldn't do "your thing" anymore, this is when we need to stick up for “our thing” and ourselves. Just say NO, Say this is mine! This is the one thing in the world I don't share with anyone, the one thing I get to call my own, the one thing my kids can't poop on, the dog can't pee on, my husband can't accidentally break. This thing that is my own helps me hold on, be it ever so gingerly to the small thread of sanity I have left.  This is mine, and it's staying. 

If your thing is gym time, don't let someone guilt you out of it. Your kids are going to be just as messy, happy, or sad, as they were when you get back from the gym in an hour. If it's crafting, go ahead and cut and glue all that paper together. Go ahead ignore the world for an hour, or two, or three. Who cares if it ends up in the recycle bin when you're done? If you like to run off and take photos alone, do it. Want to lock yourself up in the closet  and apply a full face of makeup, and do your hair and then spend the rest of the day in your pajamas, DO IT! If you must vegetate in front of your television for 3 hours and catch up on Grey's Anatomy, YOU DO IT (but keep your mouth shut because I'm not caught up)!

It's taken nearly six years to learn in order to be the best Mom I can be, I need to keep something that is just for me. It doesn't make me a bad mother or wife; it makes me a better one. The one thing that is "my thing", allows me the sanity to suffer through a 20 minute argument over who the blue Lego belongs to, even though there are clearly 30 other identical blue Legos sitting on the table in plain site. It grants me the ability to not cry my eyes out when I'm at the end of the rope and my husband texts to say they're going into overtime. 

Having something for just me, that is just mine, that is not the clothing I wear, gives me the extra oomph I need to make it through this battle called Parenthood. I'm forever grateful for my children, and I know that one day I will miss these days with a fervent passion, and I will annoy younger mothers by telling them how quickly time flies. But until I miss these days, I'm keeping something just to me...and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel guilty about it. And you shouldn't either. 

So, I tried my hand at Background Acting...

I recently tried to finagle a way to see more of my husband who works in the Entertainment Industry. He was working on a show that was filming an episode near our home, and I felt like I hadn't seen him awake in months. There was an open casting call for background actors for the show and episode he was working on, so I submitted a picture. I really didn't think I’d be called but thought it was worth the shot. They did call back, and asked me to work the day. But, the location had changed to somewhere far away. I still agreed to do it; I mean a 12 hour paid vacation from the kids, YEAH SIGN ME UP! At least, that is what I thought at the time. 

                I went in not telling anyone that I was married to someone in the Art Department. I was under the impression I’d get to do a lot of sitting around, I even brought Dances with Dragons to finish while sitting around for hours. I didn't get to sit around! I was constantly moving and changing clothes and doing something called a WIPE. Not like wipe your baby’s butt, but walking in front of the camera...I think that’s what it meant.

                I got to dress up as a nurse and run a gurney with a camera man and his 300 lb. camera up and down a dirty abandoned hospital hall, OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. All the while trying not to kick the lead actress who was running in front of me and holding a full saline bag straight up in the air. No workout was needed at the end of the day.

                I got to meet some interesting people; some people actually try to make a living at doing background work. I don’t know how, $100 a day isn't very much money and not many things are filmed here in the desert anymore. I also got to put a face to the names I've been hearing the husband talk about for years.

                When they set me free from doing background I put on my regular clothes and finally got to spend some time with my husband. Even though it involved heavy lifting and running around a creepy, dark, abandoned hospital after dark, it was well worth those 4 hours with him.

                Will I ever try to do background acting again? Not unless it’s a favor to someone I really like. It just wasn't my thing, I didn't get to sit around, I never even cracked my book open. It’s a lot of waiting and redoing the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again, and again.  I’m also pretty petrified of being on film; I refused to even be sort of facing the camera the whole day. The thing made me nervous. I was petrified I was going to be that one stupid background person to ruin the whole shot, the whole day. Luckily I didn't. But, it didn't make me stress out about it any less.

                I've been instructed not to disclose the company, show, or location of the shoot.  Until after it airs, so when it actually airs I can say which episode and blah, blah, blah…I’m pretty sure though. That my face is not in any of the shots, my manicure, elbows, arms, and hands more than likely are all that will be seen. It was an experience, but not something I will ever do again.

                If you think background work is something you would like to try you can Google your area for local casting agents. I personally wouldn't pay a company to help you get background work, but if you want to I guess you can. You can also check craigslist for background work.