Last week was weird for me. My baby went off to kindergarten and my oldest went back to school, which left me alone. Well, not alone my husband was off work too. It was the first time we had been alone together for longer than an hour in 10 years. It was the weirdest thing ever.

I am sitting here watching Kong: Skull Island (for the 2nd time, it's good), and John C. Reily's character Hank Marlow has been alone on the island for years and is having trouble interacting socially with people. I get him, I get him so hard. I think Hank Marlow is my current spirit animal.

We went shopping alone, there were no kids to tell "keep up", "Stop it" nothing. It was the weirdest thing ever. I am not even sure how to speak to another adult without a child present. I'm always just talking to other parents. Now, I can talk to non-parents. I can go to the gym every morning and not rush back to the babysitter when I'm done.

This is nuts. Totally nuts to me.

Next week should be better, I am refreshing my graphic skills for a new job. So, I will be more occupied, and maybe more learned in life without a child by my side.

Until then this is how I am feeling. Here is the whole conversation Hank Marlow had.

Hank: I can't tell when I'm talking, or when I'm not talking.
Victor: You're talking.
Hank: Really?
Victor: Yes.
Hank: I'm talking?
Victor: Yes.


Then he mentioned killing Victor with a knife but was only kidding. I don't feel him there. I am not going to stab anyone with a knife. I don't feel that lost and disturbed. Just not sure when or where I should be speaking anymore.

It's back to school time, and I'm an emotional wreck.

Soon we will be bombarded with the first day of school photos. Other Mom's will post them with excitement, because FINALLY school is in session again, and we can get our lives back. I will post with an array of emotions, ranging from deeply depressed to entirely elated.

On the one hand, they are kind of driving me insane. Living in the desert means our summers are not spent out of doors. We are inside hiding from the triple digit tempatures outside. We all have cabin fever, we are all annoyed by one another, we all need a break from one another. But, on the other hand, them going back to school just means they're getting older. Getting older means fewer snuggles, less belief that Mommy is magical. They'll need me less, they'll want me less and as a stay at home Mom of 10 years, that's terrifying.

It isn't that I have lost who I am to motherhood, it's that I let motherhood become who I was (by choice). I didn't fall into some sort of Mommy trap, I freely dove into parenting. Sure, I had no clue wtf I was doing but it didn't mean I didn't want to give it my all. I had no real childhood so I've spent the last 10 years making sure my kids did have one. So, for 10 years I have gone to the park, fixed breakfasts, lunches, dinners, kissed boo boos, read books, attempted every science experiment we could find on Pinterest. Hundreds of forts have been built and destroyed in my living room. Countless zoo trips, Happy Meal runs, movie marathons, finger painting, salt painting, we've done all those things that seemed like something we should be doing since I was a SAHM. Now what? Do I do them all alone (I don't mind building a fort alone and hiding inside with my crayons and paper)?

I know they need school for the socialization, and that it is good for them, and I want them to grow up (albeit, a little slower than they are currently growing). But, what do I do now? Now that my last baby is grown and off to school, where does that leave me? I've been looking for a job all summer, but no one seems to want someone whose only work in 10 years was an assistant to her husband (who runs a business no secular human seems to understand),  and with no job what do I do with my day from 7-4?

So, this week as other mothers on the west coast are excitedly rushing their kids off to the first day of school. I will be the Mom hiding puffy eyes behind sunglasses and wandering aimlessly around town waiting for school to get out.