Let’s talk about the thing that no one really wants to talk
about… Divorce.
We all know someone who has had a divorce, or maybe even someone who is currently going through one. They say it’s like a death; really it is, no matter how
nonchalantly you as an outsider feel the person took their marriage. It was
still something that they entered into fully expecting it to last forever; they
promised their lives to someone until death, when they said "I do", they fully
meant it. I’m sure there are exceptions to this, but for the most part this is
how I see marriage/divorce, marriage was the birth, and divorce is the death.
How do you treat a friend who is getting a divorce? The same
way you treated them when they were married (duh).
Recently, Ray (names have been changed) asked me if I had
spoken to our mutual friend Jim lately. I told Ray that I hadn’t heard from Jim
in a while, and that Jim actually wasn’t returning calls. Ray then suggested I
ask Betty (Jim’s soon to be ex-wife) what is up with Jim. This caused me to
look at Ray as if he had just suggested I stick my hand in a fresh steaming
pile of poo. Really? You want me to ask Betty about Jim’s whereabouts when they
are going through something so emotional, and no longer living together? That’s
crass? Isn’t it? I mean I know there are no hard set rules to things, but when
this happened I felt like there should be some. Are people in general really so
immune to others feelings that Ray would think this was at all okay?
So, here are a few I thought up off the top of my head.
11. Do not ask the divorcees about each other, it’s
probably on their mind a lot anyway and you need to let them work their new
life structure out alone. Don’t pollute it with questions about the ex.
The exception to this rule is: If they bring the ex up in conversation, then it’s
okay to go along with it.
22. If they are venting about their ex “He/she is a
giant flaming butthole.”, you should agree with them, if you can’t agree it’s probably
best to just do the head nod. Your friend needs to pass the five stages of grieving
(denial and isolation, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance).
33. Because the fifth stage of grieving is
acceptance and many people go on to be good friends after a divorce (especially
when children are involved), it’s best to only agree, and not join in on the
anger stage. Remember, when they’re done sorting out their feelings you can’t
take back calling their ex-lover/new friend a slime infested rat trap.
44. This is the most important rule, just be their
friend. They’re going to go through a lot of stages, and maybe even seem like a
different person, but if you really love them, if you’re really their friend,
you will let them do this and love them all the way through it.
I’m no expert on divorce, or feelings...
This is in no way meant as a hard set way you
should do things. It’s all just my opinion, and how I go about things in my
life with my friends. This is my disclaimer, if you follow this and things don’t
work out for you that’s not my faultJ