Just kidding, kinda....

Ten years ago when I met my husband, before we had children we had grand plans. Well, if you think living in an RV in L.A. is grand, then we were like the GRANDEST! We met while he was visiting Arizona from L.A. over the holidays. I was working in Arizona but wanted to move to L.A. to do hair and makeup. So, over a bucket of margaritas (it's a thing we bought a lot of back then) we decided that the cheapest way for us to move to L.A. and still be comfortable was to buy an RV and live in an RV until we retired, then we would buy a house (backwards much).

But, then we got pregnant and at the time I could not envision living in an RV with a baby, or living in L.A. with a baby. I  am from Phoenix and we have some traffic but I know L.A.'s traffic was 40 times worse, and I could not see driving with a baby in traffic. The RV life idea was quickly abandoned, as was L.A. We stayed in the Valley of the Sun, and eventually bought a house. After the second child and the second dog, we are back to wanting to live in an RV.

Are we insane? I mean maybe a little, but mostly we are sane. I am just ready to downsize and my husband the hippy is ready to return to his gypsy roots. Plus, after ten years of hard work he is finally where he wanted to be in his field. Which means he travels a lot for work for long periods of time. So, if we were in an RV we could follow him. Did I mention we decided to home school? HAHA!

Kids have changed me. I'm no longer this beauty obsessed shallow shell of a human. I crave nature! I no longer flock to people, I run very fast in the opposite direction of people.  I want my kids to experience the country, not just our concrete jungle corner of it.  I want them to experience all that they can while they still can. Because eventually they'll be grown up and the job they choose may not give them the freedom that their Father's job allows us.

We are giving ourselves a year or so to get going. Researching all the things that could go wrong. Finding the perfect vehicle for our life. I want a bus eventually, we have friends who have a Gilly and every post they make I drool in envy. But, as I am searching I am realizing an RV may be best for us to start out with. At least until we jump in and sell our house.  I think just as a life line we would like to keep our house. Even though the thought renting out our house is terrifying.

Also, buying an older RV to test it out will give us the freedom to come back home if we do not like it. Because right now on paper it sounds like a dream. Perfection. But, we are realists, it could suck so hard that we never want to even camp again.

Could you live full time in a home on wheels? Do you? Any advice? Horror Stories? 

"I can't tell when I'm talking, or when I'm not talking." ~Hank Marlow Kong: Skull Island

 Last week was weird for me. My baby went off to kindergarten and my oldest went back to school, which left me alone. Well, not alone my husband was off work too. It was the first time we had been alone together for longer than an hour in 10 years. It was the weirdest thing ever.

I am sitting here watching Kong: Skull Island (for the 2nd time, it's good), and John C. Reily's character Hank Marlow has been alone on the island for years and is having trouble interacting socially with people. I get him, I get him so hard. I think Hank Marlow is my current spirit animal.

We went shopping alone, there were no kids to tell "keep up", "Stop it" nothing. It was the weirdest thing ever. I am not even sure how to speak to another adult without a child present. I'm always just talking to other parents. Now, I can talk to non-parents. I can go to the gym every morning and not rush back to the babysitter when I'm done.

This is nuts. Totally nuts to me.

Next week should be better, I am refreshing my graphic skills for a new job. So, I will be more occupied, and maybe more learned in life without a child by my side.

Until then this is how I am feeling. Here is the whole conversation Hank Marlow had.

Hank: I can't tell when I'm talking, or when I'm not talking.
Victor: You're talking.
Hank: Really?
Victor: Yes.
Hank: I'm talking?
Victor: Yes.


Then he mentioned killing Victor with a knife but was only kidding. I don't feel him there. I am not going to stab anyone with a knife. I don't feel that lost and disturbed. Just not sure when or where I should be speaking anymore.

Happy Birthday MTV

MTV's first moments on air.  <~~Click to see.

I was 2 when Music Television launched, and it would be years before we ever had cable, and then I wasn't allowed to watch it because of my family's strict religious beliefs. But, I did sneak it. I was obsessed with seeing the story music tells in video form. I wanted to grow up and make music videos, or be a VJ. Martha Quinn and Downtown Julie Brown were my heroes.

This Week in Rock and Kurt Loder started my passion for wanting to become a journalist. To this day I still follow Chris Connelly's career.

MTV might suck now, but it use to be awesome.

They're supposedly getting a reboot, hopefully, the channel will revert to its youth. 

Betsy Brain Strikes again, and Brings Along Anna Anxiety.

I should be sleeping, but Betsy Brain keeps wandering back to 1999. Then invites her best friend Anna Anxiety to join in, and worry about events that are dead and gone.

I know you can't go back, and I had no intention of doing so. But, as I lay here listening to my husband and dog snore my brain suddenly screams "Remember that time in 1999, with those people and that thing happened?" Well, I do now heifer.

I don't know if those of us with anxiety problems are drawn to one another like magnets, or if we are simply a generation of worriers. Did our mothers eat too much bologna while pregnant? Inhale too much second-hand smoke. Why is overthinking the past such a huge problem for so many of us?

The people and situations my brain dredges up are a whole other lifetime for me. I am not in contact with anyone from that era in my life. 99% of the time when my brain time warps to some perceived unresolved problem, it is actually something very resolved. Or a total non-situation that Betsy and her bestie Anna  Anxiety are now fretting over and they're is in such a tizzy I am now riled up.

Betsy calm down, Anna go away! I yell out to them (in my head, don't want to actually wake anyone to help me), and then I try to distract them. But, Betsy is some sort of memory Jedi and worms my past into my present thoughts. Anna has no chill. Together we start to spiral, as I try to become the voice of reason in this insomnia inducing mess.

Betsy STFU, I scream on the inside. But no Betsy will not be silenced. The more I shh shh her the louder she becomes. Until she is so loud I can't hear or think of anything else. Then Anna places herself firmly on my chest, and her elephant ass is making it hard for me to breathe.

So, Betsy and I relive the past, and Anna comes too. It is a pointless exercise, that soon drops me into a full panic attack. I struggle to breathe, I sweat, terror grips me, and I want badly to reach out and wake my husband. But, Anna and Betsy whisper to me about what I burden I am, and I agree, so we continue on our journey into the past, and I struggle to regain the upper hand.

I start calling out objects in the room, tell myself I am okay. "Lies!" Betsy tries to scream, but now I have a slight handle on things. Deep belly breaths, in and out. I feel myself calming. Betsy and Anna bring back flashes of memories and I concentrate on moving my hand up and down with every breath. Anna seems to be less heavy, or she's moved. I try not to think about it and just concentrate on my breathing and moving my hand.

Soon Betsy is silenced, and Anna has left. but I wonder why they're so stuck in the past,  why do they want to make me their 3rd Muskateer? Why can't they leave me alone, and if they're going to visit why must they worry about things we have no control over? Why can't we worry about something in the here and now? Like, is the door locked? Did you close the fridge? Did you put the leftovers away? Mundane things I can fix at 11 at night. Not the past, not something done and over with, not something we no longer have control over.

Someday I hope to quiet Betsy and Anna. Until then I guess I will find solace in the fact I am not alone. Or, I'll stay up and worry about the fact that I'm not alone, and if the rest of you are okay.

It's back to school time, and I'm an emotional wreck.

Soon we will be bombarded with the first day of school photos. Other Mom's will post them with excitement, because FINALLY school is in session again, and we can get our lives back. I will post with an array of emotions, ranging from deeply depressed to entirely elated.

On the one hand, they are kind of driving me insane. Living in the desert means our summers are not spent out of doors. We are inside hiding from the triple digit tempatures outside. We all have cabin fever, we are all annoyed by one another, we all need a break from one another. But, on the other hand, them going back to school just means they're getting older. Getting older means fewer snuggles, less belief that Mommy is magical. They'll need me less, they'll want me less and as a stay at home Mom of 10 years, that's terrifying.

It isn't that I have lost who I am to motherhood, it's that I let motherhood become who I was (by choice). I didn't fall into some sort of Mommy trap, I freely dove into parenting. Sure, I had no clue wtf I was doing but it didn't mean I didn't want to give it my all. I had no real childhood so I've spent the last 10 years making sure my kids did have one. So, for 10 years I have gone to the park, fixed breakfasts, lunches, dinners, kissed boo boos, read books, attempted every science experiment we could find on Pinterest. Hundreds of forts have been built and destroyed in my living room. Countless zoo trips, Happy Meal runs, movie marathons, finger painting, salt painting, we've done all those things that seemed like something we should be doing since I was a SAHM. Now what? Do I do them all alone (I don't mind building a fort alone and hiding inside with my crayons and paper)?

I know they need school for the socialization, and that it is good for them, and I want them to grow up (albeit, a little slower than they are currently growing). But, what do I do now? Now that my last baby is grown and off to school, where does that leave me? I've been looking for a job all summer, but no one seems to want someone whose only work in 10 years was an assistant to her husband (who runs a business no secular human seems to understand),  and with no job what do I do with my day from 7-4?

So, this week as other mothers on the west coast are excitedly rushing their kids off to the first day of school. I will be the Mom hiding puffy eyes behind sunglasses and wandering aimlessly around town waiting for school to get out. 

Midnight, Texas Television Series on NBC Mondays @ 10/9C

  I am a TV junkie and avid reader of fantasy and horror, so I was excited when I saw a teaser trailer for Midnight, Texas months ago.  Midnight, Texas is based on the Midnight, Texas novel series by Charlaine Harris. If that name sounds familiar to you, it may because of the popularity of the Sookie Stackhouse novel, that  HBO turned into the True Blood series. I loved both, loved the TV series a bit more than the books though.  I did try to read the Midnight, Texas novels, but I don't think I was in the mind set for them,  since I was stuck in the in Tudor time, having just finished reading The White Princess by Phillipa McGregor, and then binge watching the Starz original based on the book (both worth a look, so good).

I got so excited Monday thinking I would get to see Midnight, Texas, then I realized I don't have cable, and can't get NBC in on my antenna, so I had to wait until Tuesday to see it when it became available on Hulu.

I waited for the kids to get engrossed in a game and started watching. I've now watched it 3 times, yes three times! I didn't realize how much my life was lacking a good supernatural escape. If NBC cancels this I will cry, but they shouldn't because it's great so far. I usually really dislike pilot shows, but always forgive them and keep watching because the first show is always the hardest. This pilot needed no forgiving, it just needs to release more episodes, like yesterday!

Midnight, Texas is about a small Texas town called Midnight (shocker). Things aren't exactly normal in Midnight, the residents are a little freaky, and gorgeous! The main character is Manfred he sees dead people. Manfred rents a home from BoBo who runs the local pawn shop, I'm not sure what his specialty is yet, I think he may be just a human. Fiji who is the kindest witch I've ever seen and seems to have a huge thing for BoBo. Olivia is the town assassin and packs quite the punch. Lemuel is a vampire, but a huge departure from Harris's previous vampires. Joe the local tattoo artist is also an Angel, not just a super nice guy, he actually has wings and flies. He runs his tattoo shop with his Angel husband Chuy who does nails. There is the mysterious Rev. who likes to bury animals, and makes references to the full moon, and how he won't be available for a few days because of it, werewolf? Another human in town, a sweet human is Creek who lives in Midnight with her brother an overbearing father, she is a waitress at the local restaurant where passer-bys stop to eat, and locals have a special section.

I don't want to give too much of it away because I hate spoilers and I want you to see it for yourself. I will tell you there is a murder, a whole "who done it?" The law from the neighboring town comes to investigate. Sheriff Livingstone (played by Sean Bridgers of Rectify and Deadwood) seems a pretty by the book law man. His deputy whose name I can not remember is a lady who seems to maybe have a little thing for our main man Manfred.

The acting is great, the sets are awesome, and the writing wasn't corny, not even a tiny bit. It took itself seriously but not too seriously. It was scary enough to me that I had to watch it in the daytime, with all the lights on ( I can't even watch Unsolved Mysteries reruns at night).

 Also, there is a talking cat! He's sarcastic, and I love him.

As the show ended I found myself sad it wasn't on Netflix so that I could just keep watching. It could easily be a binge-worthy show.

Midnight, Texas airs Mondays on NBC @ 10/9 Central, or you can watch it like I did on Hulu.

Finally, I have a reason to look forward to Tuesdays.

Why even if you're there for me, you won't recognize me reaching out.

I posted this to my Facebook page but I feel like it needs to be repeated on a more public forum.

With the recent suicide of Linkin Park lead singer Chester Bennington, I have seen a rash of "I am here for you" Facebook statuses. I get it you all really want to be there for someone in need. But, as a person with chronic depression and PTSD, I can not count how many times "friends" have not been there when I've reached out. In their defense often times when a depressed person reaches out it doesn't really seem like a call for help to the outside world. In our minds, we are screaming out for someone to please just help us. But, in reality, those screams are tiny whispers, easily missed by those around us. So, while it is sweet and kind you want to help, know that it takes more than just saying I am here for you. Because a depressed person's reasoning and way of doing things are far different than the everyday person's. So, what you're looking for isn't what we are going to do.

I am not saying it is your responsibility to be hyper vigilant about those around you. Just if you notice a friend acting even a little different reach out to them, ask them "are you okay?" Even if they say they are okay,  persist a little, tell them "I care about you and I just want to know how you're doing, how you're REALLY doing." Because we are masters of disguise, and we really don't want you to know how badly we are actually doing. We will rationalize ourselves out of help because we don't want to be a burden, or we don't think we are worth it. Depression is a dark and twisted thing, it is not as simple reaching out for help and then everything is fine.

We often cry out in the dark, when we are alone, where we know no one can hear us. Not because we do not want help, but because we simply do not feel worthy. We already feel like a burden. We can appear like functional happy adults on the outside, on the inside we a broken masses of sadness.

And while I'm on this train of openness, for those of you who do not understand why someone with seemingly so much going for them would take their life. Let me tell you what you've probably already read a million times this week. Being so depressed you're willing to take your life isn't about what you have, or the good things in your life. It is about your inner turmoil, what you feel that no one can see. We can't control it, we can't "snap out of it", it is there with us almost constantly. For some of us, it is simply a part of us.

A lot of us have had therapy, take medications, and some of us haven't and do not take medications. Even people in therapy kill themselves, so there is no really clear way for me to explain to you what a person needs not to do the unthinkable. Because, when you're in that dark of a place you will rationalize how being gone would actually be better for those around you. Not in a pity party sort of way. You go imagine the people around you entire futures. Not just the aftermath of your death, but their lives without you in it. Sadly, often times that world will seem better for those around us if we just weren't around anymore. 

I can't tell you how to stop someone from killing themselves. I can tell you that a simple status about how you will be there if they need you isn't going to do it. Because most of us aren't going to conventionally ask for help.

Be kind, be observant. We all tend to be wrapped up in ourselves some days. Sometimes you have to be the one to reach out. Because some of us are too sick to reach out for the help we actually need.