I woke up this morning and as I sat and drank my lemonade collagen cocktail I said "Alexa! Good Morning." And that little hockey puck said "Happy Book Lovers Day!" she also said something about being able to give me a famous first line of a popular book, but when I asked her she said, "hmm, I'm not sure." She's the most annoying informative thing I know.

I do not read as much as I did before having children, but I remember reading multiple books a weekend as a young adult. I miss having a book hangover. Being so engrossed in the story, that when you finally finish you're sad and want to go back to that world.

I still read, just not as ferociously as I use to. I don't know if it's the dreaded Mommy Brain. For sure when they were little it was a lack of time. But, now that the kids are mostly self-sufficient I think it may be because I'm constantly listening for a child bomb. That moment all parents know, when it gets so quiet you just know something wrong is happening. Sadly, 99.9% of the time your parental instincts are correct. That's not conducive to reading.

Now, that they are both in school I am hoping to go back to reading more. After I get the house back to where I want it.

I have even already gone to the library and I have 6 books just waiting for me to sit down and lose myself in them. Don't worry books, I will read you. 

Depression and Social Media

I was laying down trying to meditate a panic attack away, it wasn't working. I started to think about depression, to try to keep my mind off my anxiety. I thought of all the people I know that have been diagnosed with depression, and it was in the double digits. I'm not talking about internet friends (even though I consider them real friends), I'm talking about in real life friends (IRL). Which made me wonder if those of us with depression are just attracted to one another, are we drawn to one another because we understand the indescribable feeling that is depression?

Then somehow like my brain often does, I  switched to thinking about Social Media. Are we better off having depression in the 21st century? Besides the obvious positives of medication, treatment, and the fact the even though there is a stigma attached to it, it is far less than it was in the past. Does living in a world so drenched in Social Media make life with depression easier? Or is it making it more difficult?

I can see the positive of realizing that you're not alone. You can google "I am so depressed" and the results are in the 100s, forums, blog posts, memes, news articles, essays all of the people in the same depression boat as you. Someone could be reading my blog right now and think "I get her." Every time someone famous dies Social Media is flooded with sadness and links to a suicide help line. I found out about the Crisis Text Line on Social Media, I am not ashamed to say I've used it and it helped me in a moment of sheer panic.

But, I can feel the negative side of having depression and Social Media. Because, depression has that weird way of saying "you're not worthy", you feel less than, so sad, like you're in a deep hole and the sides are slicked with Vaseline, and you have no arms, and you're blindfolded, and the ground is on fire. Everything seems so hopeless and you're feeling like the ultimate loser. Then you check into Instagram and there are all these people who seem happy, with these perfect lives, not stuck in a Vaseline soaked hole on fire. On Facebook, everyone is talking about how great this and that are, and you're on fire at the bottom of a hole you feel like you'll never escape.

The flames are licking away at you and you see your friend count, and you've never felt more lonely. You have all these contacts online, and do not feel like bothering one of them with the sadness that is you. That's a lonely feeling. The worst feeling.

But, in the same vein, we have this technology at our fingertips that allow us to reach out to people for help. It takes time to get to the point to where you trust someone enough to text and say "I'm in a dark place, please help me", even if you feel like you're a bother and not worth it, you are. Reach out, no matter how much it feels like you shouldn't, reach out, do it.  We have the opportunity to reach out at any hour of the day, we should use it.

So, I suppose what I'm saying is that while being depressed is as awful as ever, but we now have more opportunities to talk about it and seek out help. And no matter how bad Social Media can make me feel some days, I do see the good things it has brought into my life. Like my husband, but that's a story for another time.

My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, hello again guilty pleasure!

My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding  (MBFAGW) first aired in 2012, which happens to be the last time I had cable TV. At the time, I had a 4-year-old and a newborn, and at nap time when I should have been napping myself, I was watching MBFAGW. I am drawn to the different, anything that normal society deems as odd.

I hadn't thought of MBFAGW in five years, then I got a DirecTV Now trial, and TLC is playing MBFAGW nonstop! I had no idea it had more than one season! So, I must not be the only person partaking in this guilty pleasure. Somewhere out there other housewives are folding laundry and watching along with me. FIVE seasons have been made.

It follows Gypsy brides and grooms during wedding prep and shows the wedding and reception. I've been to a lot of weddings, but nothing like this. Everyone I have seen on MBFAGW follows the "GO BIG OR GO HOME" motto. You think you like bling? No, no you do not understand bling! You do not understand drama, you do not understand cleaning a home. HOLY BALLS! It's all kind of insane.

Gypsy brides choose insane, giant, shiny dresses. Who makes these massive glittering treasures? Sondra Celli, you can see her Gypsy Bling inspired album here. They're impressive, I'm not sure how any of them walk in them or even stay upright.

The weddings are equally extravagant, and the receptions are often drama filled. According to TLC's  portrayal, Romnichels don't like each other, even with their kin are marrying one another. It seems to be a huge Hatfield and McCoys feud. There is cussing, punches, drinks, and tables thrown.

Rominchel culture is portrayed on the show much like what the stereotypical red neck is portrayed in the media. The women cook and clean, and cook and clean, and I guess somewhere in there they will pop out some babies. The men make the money, party and fight, and party and fight some more. They also marry young and don't seem to go to school beyond the age of 15 or 16.

It's awful, and I don't know why I watch it. Other than it's mindnumbing and sparkly, I like sparkly. 

I want to live in a van, down by the river....

Just kidding, kinda....

Ten years ago when I met my husband, before we had children we had grand plans. Well, if you think living in an RV in L.A. is grand, then we were like the GRANDEST! We met while he was visiting Arizona from L.A. over the holidays. I was working in Arizona but wanted to move to L.A. to do hair and makeup. So, over a bucket of margaritas (it's a thing we bought a lot of back then) we decided that the cheapest way for us to move to L.A. and still be comfortable was to buy an RV and live in an RV until we retired, then we would buy a house (backwards much).

But, then we got pregnant and at the time I could not envision living in an RV with a baby, or living in L.A. with a baby. I  am from Phoenix and we have some traffic but I know L.A.'s traffic was 40 times worse, and I could not see driving with a baby in traffic. The RV life idea was quickly abandoned, as was L.A. We stayed in the Valley of the Sun, and eventually bought a house. After the second child and the second dog, we are back to wanting to live in an RV.

Are we insane? I mean maybe a little, but mostly we are sane. I am just ready to downsize and my husband the hippy is ready to return to his gypsy roots. Plus, after ten years of hard work he is finally where he wanted to be in his field. Which means he travels a lot for work for long periods of time. So, if we were in an RV we could follow him. Did I mention we decided to home school? HAHA!

Kids have changed me. I'm no longer this beauty obsessed shallow shell of a human. I crave nature! I no longer flock to people, I run very fast in the opposite direction of people.  I want my kids to experience the country, not just our concrete jungle corner of it.  I want them to experience all that they can while they still can. Because eventually they'll be grown up and the job they choose may not give them the freedom that their Father's job allows us.

We are giving ourselves a year or so to get going. Researching all the things that could go wrong. Finding the perfect vehicle for our life. I want a bus eventually, we have friends who have a Gilly and every post they make I drool in envy. But, as I am searching I am realizing an RV may be best for us to start out with. At least until we jump in and sell our house.  I think just as a life line we would like to keep our house. Even though the thought renting out our house is terrifying.

Also, buying an older RV to test it out will give us the freedom to come back home if we do not like it. Because right now on paper it sounds like a dream. Perfection. But, we are realists, it could suck so hard that we never want to even camp again.

Could you live full time in a home on wheels? Do you? Any advice? Horror Stories? 

"I can't tell when I'm talking, or when I'm not talking." ~Hank Marlow Kong: Skull Island

 Last week was weird for me. My baby went off to kindergarten and my oldest went back to school, which left me alone. Well, not alone my husband was off work too. It was the first time we had been alone together for longer than an hour in 10 years. It was the weirdest thing ever.

I am sitting here watching Kong: Skull Island (for the 2nd time, it's good), and John C. Reily's character Hank Marlow has been alone on the island for years and is having trouble interacting socially with people. I get him, I get him so hard. I think Hank Marlow is my current spirit animal.

We went shopping alone, there were no kids to tell "keep up", "Stop it" nothing. It was the weirdest thing ever. I am not even sure how to speak to another adult without a child present. I'm always just talking to other parents. Now, I can talk to non-parents. I can go to the gym every morning and not rush back to the babysitter when I'm done.

This is nuts. Totally nuts to me.

Next week should be better, I am refreshing my graphic skills for a new job. So, I will be more occupied, and maybe more learned in life without a child by my side.

Until then this is how I am feeling. Here is the whole conversation Hank Marlow had.

Hank: I can't tell when I'm talking, or when I'm not talking.
Victor: You're talking.
Hank: Really?
Victor: Yes.
Hank: I'm talking?
Victor: Yes.


Then he mentioned killing Victor with a knife but was only kidding. I don't feel him there. I am not going to stab anyone with a knife. I don't feel that lost and disturbed. Just not sure when or where I should be speaking anymore.

Happy Birthday MTV

MTV's first moments on air.  <~~Click to see.

I was 2 when Music Television launched, and it would be years before we ever had cable, and then I wasn't allowed to watch it because of my family's strict religious beliefs. But, I did sneak it. I was obsessed with seeing the story music tells in video form. I wanted to grow up and make music videos, or be a VJ. Martha Quinn and Downtown Julie Brown were my heroes.

This Week in Rock and Kurt Loder started my passion for wanting to become a journalist. To this day I still follow Chris Connelly's career.

MTV might suck now, but it use to be awesome.

They're supposedly getting a reboot, hopefully, the channel will revert to its youth. 

Betsy Brain Strikes again, and Brings Along Anna Anxiety.

I should be sleeping, but Betsy Brain keeps wandering back to 1999. Then invites her best friend Anna Anxiety to join in, and worry about events that are dead and gone.

I know you can't go back, and I had no intention of doing so. But, as I lay here listening to my husband and dog snore my brain suddenly screams "Remember that time in 1999, with those people and that thing happened?" Well, I do now heifer.

I don't know if those of us with anxiety problems are drawn to one another like magnets, or if we are simply a generation of worriers. Did our mothers eat too much bologna while pregnant? Inhale too much second-hand smoke. Why is overthinking the past such a huge problem for so many of us?

The people and situations my brain dredges up are a whole other lifetime for me. I am not in contact with anyone from that era in my life. 99% of the time when my brain time warps to some perceived unresolved problem, it is actually something very resolved. Or a total non-situation that Betsy and her bestie Anna  Anxiety are now fretting over and they're is in such a tizzy I am now riled up.

Betsy calm down, Anna go away! I yell out to them (in my head, don't want to actually wake anyone to help me), and then I try to distract them. But, Betsy is some sort of memory Jedi and worms my past into my present thoughts. Anna has no chill. Together we start to spiral, as I try to become the voice of reason in this insomnia inducing mess.

Betsy STFU, I scream on the inside. But no Betsy will not be silenced. The more I shh shh her the louder she becomes. Until she is so loud I can't hear or think of anything else. Then Anna places herself firmly on my chest, and her elephant ass is making it hard for me to breathe.

So, Betsy and I relive the past, and Anna comes too. It is a pointless exercise, that soon drops me into a full panic attack. I struggle to breathe, I sweat, terror grips me, and I want badly to reach out and wake my husband. But, Anna and Betsy whisper to me about what I burden I am, and I agree, so we continue on our journey into the past, and I struggle to regain the upper hand.

I start calling out objects in the room, tell myself I am okay. "Lies!" Betsy tries to scream, but now I have a slight handle on things. Deep belly breaths, in and out. I feel myself calming. Betsy and Anna bring back flashes of memories and I concentrate on moving my hand up and down with every breath. Anna seems to be less heavy, or she's moved. I try not to think about it and just concentrate on my breathing and moving my hand.

Soon Betsy is silenced, and Anna has left. but I wonder why they're so stuck in the past,  why do they want to make me their 3rd Muskateer? Why can't they leave me alone, and if they're going to visit why must they worry about things we have no control over? Why can't we worry about something in the here and now? Like, is the door locked? Did you close the fridge? Did you put the leftovers away? Mundane things I can fix at 11 at night. Not the past, not something done and over with, not something we no longer have control over.

Someday I hope to quiet Betsy and Anna. Until then I guess I will find solace in the fact I am not alone. Or, I'll stay up and worry about the fact that I'm not alone, and if the rest of you are okay.